Crooked Bamberg

Bamberg is a beautiful, historic town in the Frankish area of Bavaria. It's built along several rivers and picturesque half-timbered boxes line the banks.

Despite the quaint and scenic views, these houses aren't without their problems. Sagging roofs and settling foundations, especially among the river, make for a bunch of crooked neighborhoods.

Take a gander at this store. Must one walk sideways to get in?

This did not put me in the Christmas spirit

but the subtitle could be: but it did make me laugh!

My lovely cousins send me a box of random, odd, and fun items for the holidays. Last year I received many different things, but the most odd one was a Santa Claus toy that excretes candies into a chimney*.

What was truly disconcerting, besides the idea of eating candies that Santa had "excreted," was that to set up the toy, one had to cut the zip tie off that attached his head to his body, remove his head, break open his "guts" from their plastic lining, then dump the contents back into his body. The whole time his head was shouting, "ho ho ho!"

I didn't know whether to laugh, or to scream in terror.

*There are so many things wrong with this.

A questionable German-Turkish-Mexican mashup

In Heidelberg on the main street, there are two restaurants back to back. One is "Mexican" (or the owner's approximation of such) and one is Turkish.

They decided to make a  German-Turkish-Mexican mashup of questionable tastiness.

However, it turns out that someone I know had eaten a "burrito" from the Mexican side of the house one night after visiting the bars. He thought it was the best Döner he had ever had. Ha!

My neck is fantastic, 'cuz it's made of plastic

Oh, thrift stores. They are a siren call, a place to find random, strange baubles. There is no rhyme or reason, especially among the stores that receive unsold commercial merchandise.

Check out this beaut'.

There's even directions on how to elongate the dude.

His neck freaks me out. It's so...well, it looks like...it's just creepy.

15 years in...

With the turn of the new year, a crazy realization set in: I've been working in my field as a professional for fifteen years. Whoa! I feel old. Or should I say experienced?

People usually assume that my profession is staid and boring. It's not, and can be full of surprisingly bizarre situations.

For example, no one in grad school told me that I would have to write an email to a vendor as such:

"We received a box of [products you sent us] in very damaged condition; the post office had taped it back together and some [products] inside were damaged. We also believe that some are missing but unfortunately can't tell because the packing slip is gone too.

Strangely enough, there were cans of blood sausage, black licorice, and Hello Kitty pencils in the box! That is totally bizarre and I don't imagine that you sent us them; our guess is that someone else's box fell apart and they didn't know where to put the food items so they included them in the wrapped-up box of our items. So, I am sending you the mailing label on the box. Could you please provide us the packing slip for this box so we can tell you what was missing?"

The German un-cabbage

The German language is fun, once one gets over how awful it is, at least as Mark Twain puts it.*

For example, you can make opposites of some words, especially adjectives, by adding the prefix -un. Okay, we can do that in English too so you're probably thinking, "so what?"

The cool thing about German is that this sometimes works with nouns.

Let me introduce you to a newly learned word that I enjoy:

Unkraut

This can literally mean "un-cabbage."

Unkraut: not this!

It actually means weed, as in the unwanted plant in one's yard.**

How fun is that? I'd like to start defining things in what they aren't.

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*No, I don't think it's awful but at the beginning of learning it, I felt...lost.

**Although the more that I learn about foraging the more compassion I have for many weeds because they're EDIBLE in many cases!

Don't be such a square, man

During a January visit to Halle (Saale), we toured the Kunstmuseum Moritzburg. Even before we reached the art, I was fascinated. The building has square toilets! Have you seen similar ones before? Maybe they're designed for Spongebob Squarepants?

This Kunstautomat is really arty

In January, my friend L. and I took a day trip to Halle (Saale). We had actually intended to visit Jena (the opposite direction) so obviously we were quite a bit off!

It was a happy accident, however. We bumbled through the city, visited their museum, and came across the Kunstautomat below.

It's an art vending machine and features local and regional artists. It puts the Automaten in Kaiserslautern to shame; or at least its colorful outside does! Even the money slot is happy.

Deutsche Bahn gives some mixed signals

On a recent train journey, the display on the train showed the message below as we were approaching the final stop.

Ha! It's very confused.

It says "Wir reinigen, - einsteigen!" -- We're cleaning, enter!

via: bitte nicht -- via please not

It's not that enticing

We randomly received a magazine that tries to entice retired military members to make their new home in Alabama. One thing that the publishers believe that makes their state attractive to retirees is an event where one pokes poisonous snakes with sticks. They even included a picture for illustrative purposes. Oy vey.

Taking bio products too far

As German consumers become more discerning about chemicals in everyday health and beauty products, the popularity of organic, or in German, bio, products has increased. One can find bio products even at discounters like Aldi and Lidl. One bio product really had me raising my eyebrows though:

bio shower gel.

Hey, I'm down with organic body wash. (Heck, I don't even use regular, commercial body wash, because I prefer to avoid using detergents on my body; I prefer to use the uber-hippie soap of choice, Dr. Bronner's.)

This body wash, however, is one that is a bit over the top for me. It's honey and muesli nourishing honey shower gel. To me, it sounds more like something one would eat for breakfast, not use as a body wash!

Two of my obsessions combined in a disconcerting Christmas scene

I'm a bit obsessed with roadside candy machines (if you are obsessed too, click the tag for them). I like them because frankly, they effect both curiosity and revulsion in me. I always wonder who'd be cool with eating the candy in them because the machines are outside and don't look particularly clean.

I'm also fascinated by a Santa Claus decoration I've only seen in Europe: a Santa who's usually tacked to the side of a building and appears to be breaking in. What the heck? Is it because many modern houses don't have proper chimneys for him to enter the house? Has he left his life's mission of giving behind and intends to become a burglar?

Imagine my delight when I walked by a Lokal (local bar) in Kaiserslautern and saw Santa using a ladder and a roadside candy machine to scale his way into the bar. He's like the high class MacGyver of home break-ins/or gift distribution.*

*Or he's a bit drunk after visiting the Lokal and doesn't realize that he's next to the door and could have used that instead.

I saw the Weinachstgurke!

I wrote about the time my German friend asked me about the German Christmas pickle, which she couldn't believe was true. I have one myself, and it's a Christmas tree ornament in the shape of a pickle. Americans believe that placing such an ornament and rewarding the first child who finds it with a gift is a German tradition. Ask most Germans about it and they will exclaim in disbelief, "Hä?"  (or even better yet, "Das ist eine Verarschung!," as my friend said) and then tell you that it's not really a German tradition and they don't put them on their Christmas trees.


Imagine my delight when I visited the Pfalzbibliothek and saw the Weinachtsgurke display. The library hid a Christmas pickle in its Christmas tree and included a description of its legend (which might or might not be made up by Americans).
I translated the yellow sign and this is what is says: 

"An old custom is revived

Yes, you have read that correctly. Pickle. More accurately said: the sour pickle.

The “German Christmas pickle” is an old custom allegedly from the 20^th century that is very popular with the Americans. The Christmas pickle is hung in the Christmas tree and must be found without touching the tree. The lucky winner gets to be the first to unwrap his gift.

This tradition allegedly developed in poor families who couldn’t afford gifts for all the children. Whomever found the pickle received the only gift.

The second historical story is based on a legend from the Citizens’ War. John Lower, a Bayerisch soldier, was taken captive by Americans. Completely weakened, he asked for a cucumber as a last meal. Amazingly, he regained his strength and every year after that he hung a pickle on the Christmas tree in thanks.

This area is mostly pickle-free, to the astonishment of the Americans. However, from year to year the number of families decorating their Christmas trees with pickles grows.

In our Christmas tree, one is hidden. Searching [for it] is wished."  (Source: Pfalzbibliothek, translated from the German by ATW).

I found it! Of course, I looked like a major weirdo looking for it, but oh well.

Used taxidermy: a further exploration

Yesterday I wrote about my adventure at the Kaiserslautern thrift store and the [overwhelming] display of donated [?] taxidermied animals.

I was wondering who on earth wanted to buy pre-owned taxidermied animals. Apparently it's a thing and Men's Journal even wrote a guide to buying used taxidermy.

When I just wrote "pre-owned," I imagined going into a taxidermy store that looks like a used car dealership, and customers immediately being accosted by a salesman who's wearing a polo shirt that has a lower neckline than usual for a dude's shirt (you know, to show that he's suave). He has greased-back hair and smells a bit like formaldehyde mixed with Axe body spray. As the buying negotiations take place, he asks, "what'll it take to get you into a pre-owned jaguar today? Shall I throw in the jackelope for your game room?"

His colleague, a guy of average height and slightly overweight, with a bushy hipster's beard and thick, black rimmed glasses, talks to another customer and gesticulates to a deer's head with a unicorn horn.  "Brah, srsly, you'll have this before it's even cool. Press a button and it expels glitter. You totally need this. No one else has it."

[Exhibit A of why I don't usually get bored/lonely when I'm off doing my own thing because I'm always imaging strange situations, such as the exchange above.]

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Anyway, can I just say that I'm NOT into taxidermy? I get a little wigged out about dead things. I know this sounds awful, but at open casket wakes, I just can't bring myself to go and look at someone's shell. I prefer to remember the person as he was and I find the viewing a bit macabre.

Taxidermied animals don't evoke such strong emotions, but I do find them a bit grotesque and they're not something I'd care to use as decorations in my home. When I lived in Lapeer, I used to get my hair cut at a barber shop that had dead animals littering the shop. It was supposed to be "manly," I guess. I'm not a man but went for the weekday special for a $7 haircut. I could put up with some glassy eyes staring at me for a good haircut at a reasonable price. I just never thought I'd come face to snout with so many taxidermy animals at a thrift store.

Thrift store shopping gets dead weird at Kaiserslautern's Schatzkiste

On Monday, I was enjoying the magic of the American Labor Day holiday. It's lovely and a bit surreal to have a day off when the Germans don't; it almost feels as if one is playing hooky from work because one can actually get stuff done since the stores are open. With my free time, I made a trip to some local thrift stores, which turned into a strange excursion.

When I visited the Schatzkiste (I reviewed it previously here), I came across a display of...merchandise?

Don't badger me! I'm dead n' stuffed!

Decorations?

We're just chilling next to an overpriced, second-hand lamp.

Dead animals?

Don't be such a weasel. C'mon, buy me!

Mackelmore might've bought a fur coat but you can buy the whole dang animal at the Schatzkiste. You could even make your own taxidermy zoo with their impressive collection.

I lost all composure when I saw this sign under the menagerie.

"As much as you need."

I tried to smother my giggles as I pondered just how many taxidermied animals that one person could possibly need. I also considered: who buys second-hand taxidermy animals? Is that a thing?

What'll it be in Charlotte, NC?

When I was flying to Michigan in June, I had a layover in Charlotte. My friend from college lives there so she picked me up for a quick lunch together. As we were leaving the restaurant, I just had to get a picture of the business next door that was renovating.

The owner decided to leave everyone in suspense about what the store will be next.

Kaiserslautern's Kunstautomat

About two years ago, I saw a Kunstautomat in Nuremberg. It's a former cigarette vending machine that's been converted to vend art. How cool is that? I wrote about it here and here.

I recently returned from a vacation in the US and found out that Kaiserslautern will not have only one, but two, Kunstautomaten, installed this month. Of course I was curious and had to go find them.

The first one is on the southeast corner of Stiftskirche, somewhere near the free-standing Imbiss. Each piece of art costs four euros; the machine accepts one and two Euro coins, and artists are both local and regional.

I shoved my coins in and pulled out one of the locally labeled drawers. In the packet, designed to look similar to a cigarette box, there was a small white piece of paper with an embossed relief in it. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it's interesting, and I was glad to satisfy my curiosity.

It hadn't opened yet when I stopped by, but by now the other Automat at the Union Studio will be open too. I stalked it (on the west side of the building) and took a picture of it before its unveiling. If you're in Kaiserslautern, take a look!

Hi, Harald!

I saw my good friend Harald again, this time by Adler at Globus. This guy is so over the top. It would be interesting to meet him sometime, and that's not outside of the realm of possibility because he only lives about an hour away.

The totally crazy thing is that I saw him just before the flood. Over the weekend, even the inside of Globus flooded. I hope that poor Harald (in poster form, at least) made it out okay.

Some darn weird language learning sentences

Have you used some learning materials pick up a new language, and have thought, where the heck do they come up with these sample sentences or conversations? Some of the examples are funny, some are irrelevant, and some are downright creepy!

I was using Duolingo to learn German and a sample went something like this:

The man likes the women. The man follows the women.

--

Let me translate: the man is a creeper. He follows the women. [The women get freaked out and run away.]

--

I was recently using another set and the sample was just...jacked up. It was a conversation between a man and woman on the train. She didn't have a ticket and was trying to buy one; he told her not to worry about it and just to be a Schwartzfarerin. He told her that tickets were rarely checked and the fine wasn't high. Of course along came a ticket checker. The guy whipped out an extra ticket and got the checker off their case. The lady was surprised and the guy said he had the extra ticket all along because one of his coworkers had disembarked from the train earlier and left the ticket with him. The lady was grateful and introduced herself, then asked the guy out to dinner.

--
Okay, can I just say: what the heck kind of sample is this?! First of all, the woman is dumb. Just buy a darn ticket. Any tourist book will tell you about the ticket checkers and the fines for riding without a ticket. She spoke with an American accent and it doesn't work in the US to travel without a ticket, so why try it in Germany?

Secondly, the dude is manipulative as all get out! Why was he encouraging the lady to go Schwartzfahren? If he wanted to be helpful, why didn't he just give her the ticket in the beginning? Was he hoping that the could "rescue" her, then impress her with his chivalry and maybe she'd be interested in him?

Yes, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I find these examples weird. If these situations happened to me in real life, I'd find them weird. Also, I would imagine that someone coming from a very different cultural background might think that these types of situations must be normal in Germany.

Did you ever wonder about the yarn-bombing culprits?

Germany offers many different social programs, for everyone from children to seniors. In Kaiserslautern, as well as in other cities, there is something called the Mehrgenerationenhaus, which is a community center. Citizens meet there to swing dance, help asylum seekers assimilate with language lessons, share skills, participate in exercise programs with their babies, and do so much more.

A knitting group meets too. I have seen various yarn-bombing "sites" throughout town and always wondered who had been up to that mischief. When I visited the MGH booth at the Stadtteilfest this weekend, I saw a picture of the "culprits."

Aren't they cute? They look very smarmy about their silly act of community graffiti. I hope I'm that cool when I'm their age!