Teenage Mutant Ninja Street Crossing Turtles

This one is almost more like Around the Block. I was on my way to a riding lesson when I saw a petrified turtle, cowering in the middle of the road. I was already running late and there was a stream of traffic behind me, so I avoided running over him but felt guilty that I hadn’t stopped to escort him off the road.

On the way home from the riding lesson, there was an opportunity to redeem myself: I was flying down the road when I saw another turtle (on a different road home). I couldn’t stop in time so I navigated over him, my tires then kicking up dust as I skidded to a stop past him. Poor Mr. Turtle was so shocked by the experience that he was leaking. I tried to wait for that to be over, because even though I have a soft heart, I have no interest in Teenage Mutant (non-Ninja) Turtle urine coming into contact with me.

I determined that Mr. Turtle was indeed a pond turtle, evidenced by the green slime coating the top of him and the proximity of the pond from which he probably originated. I then grabbed a winter glove for my car (here is evidence in support of not cleaning out one’s car often), gloved up, and picked up Mr. Turtle. There didn’t seem any good way to get him into the pond without getting myself sopping wet, so I went over the other possible options in my head. The only workable one was to toss him into the pond. I hesitated, because I was wondering if Mr. Turtle was still shell shocked (har har!) from the experience of a car hurtling over him. Would he be so shocked that he wouldn’t swim when he hit the water? Was it just instinct to do it? If I chucked him into the water, would he pass out when he hit the water?

In one decisive motion, I launched Mr. Turtle as hard as I could throw him into the pond since it was set back so far from the road. He hit the water and disappeared. I’m not sure what happened to him; I only hope that it was better than getting run over by a car and that he went on many other turtle adventures after the harrowing experience. What could he have possibly thought about having a huge mechanical thing fly over him, then having a hand like the Hand of Insert-Deity-Name-Here pluck him out of the road and chuck him into the pond? It must've certainly been life changing.